A Joke A Day

A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of North Carolina when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. ‘Anybody home?’, he asked.

‘Yep,’came a kid’s voice through the door.

‘Is your father there?’, asked the tourist.

‘Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,’ said the kid.

‘Well, is your mother here?’

‘No, she left before I got here,’ said the
kid.

‘But,’ protested the city slicker,’are you never together as a family?’

‘Sure, but not here,’ said the kid through the door.

‘This is the toilet!’

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the
following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A
quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of
coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items
on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched
as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know
what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly.”

Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, as the pastor was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred had died. He said, “you know, ol’ Fred
handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read aloud, “you’re standing on my oxygen tube moron!”

A man rushes into a pub and orders a double-brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this tall?”

“Sure…” The barman replies.

The man raises his hand up to his hip: “How about this tall?”

“Well, maybe a king penguin, but I’m not sure…”

The man hold his hand at shoulder level: “This tall?”

“Not a chance.”

The man knocks back his drink and says: “Then I think I just ran over a nun.”

A couple are taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The man leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a pound coin. His wife decides she wants to make a wish, also.
Unfortunately, she leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The man stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims:

“GOOD GRIEF, IT WORKS!”

A vicar is visiting an old lady who has just moved into his parish. He discovers that she has a parrot with blue ribbons tied to both of his legs.

“And what are the ribbons for?” asks the vicar.

“Well,” says the old lady, “if I pull the left ribbon he sings ‘Abide With Me’. If I pull the right ribbon he sings ‘All Things Bright And Beautiful’.”

“Remarkable!” says the vicar, naturally impressed by the religious bird. He continues, “What happens if you pull both ribbons at the same time?”

The parrot butts in, “I fall off the flaming perch!”

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car has broken down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
“The sound is beyond that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound……….

But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

A very badly behaved little boy refuses to get off of a very expensive rocking horse on display in a department store. His embarrassed mother eventually gives in and asks for some help from a shop assistant. “Don’t worry” says the assistant “We employ a very qualified child psychologist at our store to deal with this kind of thing”. She makes a quick call and within minutes he appears, goes over to the unruly brat and gently whispers in his ear. The child immediately dismounts the horse and once again joins his mother. The shop assistant looks admiringly at the psychologist and says “That was amazing, what did you say to him?”.

He leans to her and quietly says “Get off that horse now or I’ll beat the living daylights out of you!”.

The funeral procession made its way slowly down the road.

Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing rod, a net and some bait.

A passer-by remarked, “He must have been a very keen fisherman.”

“Oh, he still is,” came the reply. “He’s off to the river as soon as they’ve buried his wife!!”

An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of
washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to
do. “Oh, no,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog,” said the shopkeeper. “It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it.

A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the washing powder that killed him.” “Oh? What was it then?” said the shopkeeper.

“I think it was the spin cycle!”