There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five A.M.
He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads.
When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it was powder to keep lions away.
The person then remarked “But everybody knows that there are no lions in France!”
He replied “I guess it must be working then!
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”
The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him — I was just trying to tackle him.
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and we all had to do our own thinking.”
A man goes to a nightclub but the bouncer refuses him entry because he’s not wearing a tie “But I’ve driven 20 miles to come here!” exclaims the man.
“All right,” replies the bouncer, sympathetically, “if you can find something in your car to tie round your neck, you can come in.”
Ten minutes later the man returns with a set of jump-leads around his neck.
“Okay, come in,” says the bouncer, “just don’t start anything!”
A man is driving down the road when he runs over a hare. He is dread-fully upset and gets out of the car and mourns the accident.
A passing Vicar pulls up and asks if he can help. The man explains what has happened.
The vicar takes out a bottle and sprinkles some liquid over the hare, who then jumps up, runs a few paces, turns around and shakes his paw, runs a few paces further, turns and shakes his paw. This continues until the hare is out of sight.
The man turns to the vicar and says, “what was that, holy water?”
“No” replied the vicar, “hair restorer with a permanent wave.”
A country yokel bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and the yokel was stuck again.
The neighbour suggested he notched notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again the yokel couldn’t tell them apart.
The neighbour suggested he measure the horses for height.
When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because”; the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the
driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened — Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, “And why not?”
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass.”
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge.
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver replied, “No officer,… I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”
A Texan rancher was visiting his country cousin in Australia. Upon arriving the proud Aussie was keen to show him around his spread. So he takes him to see his prize-winning flock of sheep. The Texan takes one look and says “Why these sheep are nothing, back on my ranch in Texas I’ve got sheep twice the size of these.”
Not wanting to show his disillusion the Aussie decides to show him his prize-winning herd of cattle, but again the Texan was not impressed and says “These cattle are so small, they make my cattle look the size of elephants”.
Now the Aussie is getting jealously mad so he decides to show off his pigs, which he is sure are the biggest in the world, but again the Texan is not impressed. At this moment a kangaroo hops by and the Aussie says “OK then, take a look at the size of my grass hoppers!”